A Grief Memoir on Mother’s Day: I Grew Up!

Larada Horner-Miller

11 months ago

Mom & Larada - grew up — Mom & Larada – We loved to dress alike!

My book, A Time to Grow Up: A Daughter’s Grief Memoir, celebrates my mom’s life and my grief at her passing. Yes, it has parts that our deeply riveting because that’s what happens with grief, but I grew throughout the book to realize a deep healing! I provide comfort too!

It has been twelve years since I lost Mom. At times, it feels like yesterday and other times she simply haunts my memory with light footsteps and a quiet voice reminding me of who I am. The loss of moms in our life rates as being one of the biggest which makes Mother’s Day a difficult one.

After reading my book, a friend said I needed to change the subtitle of this book to— A Daughter’s Grief and Growth Memoir. I never did, but her comment opened my eyes to what this book really was about—yes, grief and also growth! Isn’t that what we all want after a traumatic loss.

The Loss of Mom & Possible Reactions

In her blog Julie Bjelland offers what we might be feel:

“It’s common to experience a wide range of intense emotions and physical reactions during grief. You may feel numb, as if the reality of the loss hasn’t fully set in, leading to a sense of detachment or disbelief. Profound waves of sadness or other intense emotions might come and go, often overwhelming you. Grief can also manifest physically, with symptoms like pain, exhaustion, weakness, headaches, muscle tension, or gastrointestinal issues. Simple daily tasks may feel insurmountable, and you might find yourself withdrawing or needing the comfort of loved ones more than ever. Many people enter “survival mode,” focusing on getting through each moment while emotions can suddenly surge. It’s also common to question the meaning of the loss and seek comfort in rituals or memorials.”

https://www.juliebjelland.com/hsp-blog/navigating-the-deep-soul-pain-of-losing-a-mother-a-journey-for-the-sensitive-heart#:~:text=It’s%20common%20to%20experience%20a,and%20go%2C%20often%20overwhelming%20you.

My Healing Tools

So I knew I need tools to help me during this sorrowful time. My healing tools varied. About five weeks after Mom’s death, I sought out a grief group. The first one I went to discouraged me because there were people there who had attended for six or seven years with no end in sight. I couldn’t face doing that kind of grief work for that long. Also I felt lost in the large size of this group.

Then the hospice that took care of Mom in her dying hours connected with me and offered a grief group. This group differed so much from the first one because it was smaller and was led by a grief therapist.

The wise therapist helped me tremendously with my tears. At first, I cried often, anytime of the day, and that didn’t work well when I went back to work—bursting out in tears and running to the bathroom, sobbing. So I shared this concern with her. She suggested I find a specific time and cry during that time every day. So I knew my designated morning Quiet Time before work would be my container for my tears. It worked beautifully and the outbursts at work or other inappropriate times stopped.

About six weeks after Mom’s death, I wrote poetry and prose—it gushed out of me. I continued therapy and shared my poetry with my therapist. After one grueling tear-filled session where I shared some heart wrenching poetry, she wept with me and stated abruptly, ”You must publish these. I want these poems available for when I die for my daughters.” Her words encouraged me and that became my goal from that point forward.

I Grew Up Poem Says It All

Originally I planned the title of this book to be I Grew Up to Be the Woman I Always Wanted to Be, but with much of my research, I found out it was too long. But this poem became one of the most powerful in the book. Here it is:

I Grew Up to Be the Woman

I Always Wanted to Be

October 29, 2013

I tripped my way through life
	faltering
	failing
	succeeding
	hurting!

I learned how to be
	how to serve
	how to survive

I endured multiple losses
	Granddad and Grandma Horner
	Granddad and Grandma Dickerson
	Dad
	Lela
	Linda
	Candy
	Kathi
	Uncle Hughie
	Reu
	Helen
	Uncle Tanky

I knew someday Mom would
	be added to this list
	but not now!
	I wasn't ready!

Her progression to death's door
	moved quickly.

I garnered all my skills
	my abilities
	my wisdom
	and took control
	took care of her.

I watched my actions
	in the midst of insane chaos
	aware that I took the lead
	in her care.

For two months,
	I was sane
	peaceful
	powerful
	focused
	in the midst of the unknown
	and mayhem.

Then one night,
	I crumbled
	on the dark drive home.

During these two months,
	Lin, Bub, and I conferred
	each night
	long distance
	my brother lives in northern California
	planned together
	supported each other.

That overwhelming night I hit a wall;
	I knew I needed more.
	Bub offered to come and help.
	I cried, "Yes, come! I need you."

We shared Mom's last days—
	her two loving children!

Surrounding her with
	our love
	attention
	hugs and kisses
	sweet words
	laughter
	memories

That last fateful day,
	Mom stared at the ceiling.
	She wailed.
	Mom couldn't answer a question.
	She wailed.
	Mom didn't seem in pain,
	just vacant
	moving on to another world!

Bub and I prayed
	—with tears!—
	release for her
	our mom
	surrender
	let go!

At the end, Bub was on one side of her bed
	me on the other!
	Other family members and hospital staff
	joined us.
	She left us
	and this world,
	wrapped in our love.

Most of the funeral plans fell on my
	shoulders
	as organizer,
	but we collaborated,
	ideas from many family members
	and friends.
	We gave Mom an "Elva Horner"
	Send off!

I had a solid knowing,
	a deep satisfaction with myself
	and how I handled her death.

I grew up to be
	the woman I always
	wanted to be
	at fifty-nine years old!

I stayed
	I persevered
	I collaborated
	I sobbed
	I screamed!

At a time I desperately needed it,
	God's grace abounded.

I gave all that I had
	to the woman
	who gave me
	life!

I realized
	that my mission
	in this life
	was complete!

All my other successes
	faded into obscurity!
	All my joys, my triumphs
	meant nothing
	were hollow!
	I knew that I had succeeded
	finally by how I handled my
	Mom's life and death!

I truly grew up to be the woman I always wanted to be—
	in her passing,
	my mom showed me that truth.

Larada Horner-Miller, A Time to Grow Up: A Daughter’s Grief Memoir, (Horner Publishing Company), 115-119.

Finally,

this poem shocked me in the writing of it, but it framed exactly what happened to me in the loss of Mom! I grew up and realized the growth that happened in the process of losing her. Have you had a similar experience? Let me know!

My ebook and paperback of A Time to Grow Up: A Daughter’s Grief Memoir are available on Amazon! A great gift for yourself as you walk this road of growth to healing or for a wounded friend! Growth is possible! And a great way to honor your Mom on this Mother’s Day!