Category: Grief

Another Mother’s Day Without Mom!
family · Grief · Memories · Mom · My Thoughts

Another Mother’s Day Without Mom!

Larada Horner-MillerLeave a comment
Mom and Larada - Without Mom
Mom and Larada

I woke this morning feeling an absence, a loss—Mother’s Day without Mom once again! She died in 2013, thirteen years ago. Shouldn’t I be over her death? I guess not! Even last night, I felt this sorrow oozing over me, but I didn’t understand why. Today, I do!

So I Tried, Without Mom!

I haven’t found a “home church” here yet. So, I had planned to go to the English mass at the Catholic church downtown Boquete at 9:00 AM. My alarm went off at 7:30 AM, startling me! I woke tired and feeling that loss.

Because I haven’t gone there yet and the parking is a problem, I succumbed to wimping out once again. Instead, Lin and I went to our favorite breakfast spot here, Olga’s, for a delicious meal. Olga greeted me in her usual manner with a hug and a kiss, but made a big deal about my new outlandish hair color—brilliant mauvey red! Oh, she hugged me like Mom used to and rave about my hair like my mom would have. I needed that so!

This Afternoon, Without Mom!

When we returned home after a quick stop at the grocery store, I went to church online to my home church, Hope in the Desert Episcopal Church in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Fr. Steve mentioned Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers, grandmothers and anyone who nurtured children. Oh, what a balm to my heart!

Then we watched an episode of our new favorite series, “Ghost Whisperer” with Jennifer Love Hewitt and David Conrad. I relate to this show so much because I do believe there are ghosts out there—and I would love to talk to my mom once more.

Life, Without Mom!

Last Sunday we lost a member of our Hot August Nights committee. Lin and I called his wife to see how he was doing and found out he had died a couple hours before we called. Loss once again and tears.

I also watched the video of my dear friend, Rose Ward’s funeral service, last Sunday, crying and missing her so. I swore I saw Mom in the crowd at Rose’s service. I even showed Lin, but then I realized it wasn’t her. I’m sure she was there in spirit though.

Tom & Rose Ward with Mom - Without Mom
Tom & Rose Ward with Mom

That’s life without Mom—so much loss and it all circles back to her and my loss.

My Book About Losing Mom!

So, this month I’m featuring, A Time to Grow Up: A Daughter’s Grief Memoir. You might wonder why I would do that because of the sadness and heartbreak in this book during the month to celebrate Mother’s Day. Yes, there is sadness and heartbreak, but I value the process I went through to grow through the loss to the healing. Yes, I still miss Mom, but this book healed me in a different way. It allowed me to look deeply at the individual moments we had in those last three months.

I hope the same for you.

A Poem or Two from A Time to Grow Up: A Daughter’s Grief Memoir

No Words Now

May 11, 2013

Mom died March 23, 2013
     No words
     No poems
     until May 2.

Lost in the pain
     drowning
     suffocating
     Words frozen
     gone
     void

All I had was pain!
     Loud
     screeching
     screaming pain.

Normally, poetry is my respite
     My sanctuary
     I visit to
     understand this world

Nothing there!
     Only the deep, dark hole
     The consuming loss
     The utter defeat

Missing Mom
     and
     trying to live!

Have you lost your mom? Did you ever feel like this—the feelings, not necessarily the loss of words but the loss of someone special in your life? At this point, the words had just come and were overflowing with all my pent-up feelings.

Time to Cry Each Day

August 25, 2016

Is there an appropriate time to cry?
     An appropriate way to mourn?

I didn't know how.

At first, the tears would come unannounced
     in a flurry,
     and I was gone.
     Sobs!

I never knew when or where.
     They consumed my day,
     flooding me with emotion.

I dreaded the next outburst.
     I couldn't control the tears.

A grief counselor's suggestion:
     "Appoint a time every morning
     to cry,"
     so I did.

I did my morning writing and reading
     with my cat, Jesse.
     Then I cried
     and cried
     and cried.

Does that sound fake?
     manufactured?
     manipulated?

I don't know,
     but it worked for me!

At first the tears came whenever,
     a trigger
     a memory,
     and I cried.

After a while,
     knowing I had that special time
     alone with Jesse
     every morning
     relieved me the rest of the day.

I might get choked up,
     but I would say to myself,
     "Save it for the morning."
     I did,
     And it worked!

Grief? Yes, I had grieved my dad’s death, but I had turned my attention to Mom. Now she was gone, so what was I supposed to do now? The suggestion from the therapist helped me—maybe it will help you!

Live One World at a Time

August 25, 2016

In recovery,
     we say, "One Day at a Time."

In my life after Mom's death,
     I say, "One World at a Time."

My feet walk this earth,
     planted firmly on sandstone and among chollas
     in the scenic Southwest.

My heart yearns for another world,
     that heavenly place
     that houses so many dear ones.

I am here;
     they are there.

Sometimes I feel their pull
     to that other place,
     a spiritual calling
     attached to my heart.

I resist.

I focus on today
     this world.

My full, rich life here,
     and the resistance quiets.

My job today
     and as long as I am here,
     is one world at a time!

So healing happened for me. Mom died and I moved on, carrying her with me. On the bright side, her death gave me a deep awareness of my being “here” and the pull of “there.” Before her, I never felt that.

Finally,

Have you lost your mom? Your dad? A loved one? Do you have a pull to another world? Let me know and let’s talk about it!

LIMITED TIME, SPECIAL PRICE: My E-book of Time to Grow Up: A Daughter’s Grief Memoir at Amazon for $.99. Sale ends Wednesday, May 13.

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A Mother’s Day Gift: How About My Grief Memoir?
Grief · Memoirs · Memories · Mom · My Thoughts

A Mother’s Day Gift: How About My Grief Memoir?

Larada Horner-MillerLeave a comment
A Time to Grow Up book cover, gift

When May hits, I always think of Mother’s Day. When my mom was alive, I had probably already ordered her gift by now because we lived apart. Have you ordered your gift yet? I have a suggestion!

A Time to Grow Up: A Daughter’s Grief Memoir

Dad died in 1996; Mom died in 2013. In 2017, I published my grief memoir because it took me a few years to separate from the event and be able to write the book without sobbing. A friend aptly told me, “It should be a grief and growth memoir!” I didn’t change it because that’s almost impossible to do once a book is published.

Is Grief Relevant for Mother’s Day?

Some might think my grief memoir isn’t relevant for this celebratory holiday, but I assure you it is and here’s why.

If You Haven’t Lost Your Mom

In A Time to Grow Up, the reader faces grief for sure. My mom’s death came suddenly. She had been dealing for seventeen years with polycythemia vera, a blood disease but managing it. Something changed drastically the end of December, 2012 and she died March 23, 2013 because it had morphed into myelofibrosis, a form of leukemia.

In this book, through poetry and prose, I share my experience of being her primary caregiver and the pain of my loss. I have always felt it was a privilege to be there for her, but you, the reader can see we grow through the experience and embrace, “I Grew Up to Be the Woman I Always Wanted to Be,” one of my poems in the book. In fact, that was the name of the book originally.

Yes, some of this book faces everything ugly about what happened to her, but in reality, it’s also a celebration of her life and her resilient spirit.

If You Have Lost Your Mom

Mom and Larada in our lookalike dresses for Christmas - gift
Mom and Larada in our lookalike dresses for Christmas

I know the loss of our moms is one of the biggest we will face in our lives. Facing grief, all of us do it differently. This book can work as a catalyst in facing the loss of mom.

I poured out my heart in the writing of my poetry and prose. Hopefully my words, my thoughts help you to work through your grief.

At the end of the book, I have several Appendices to help make this book work for you.

  • Appendix A: It’s a God Thing. I saw my God in the midst of it all and had to make note of it.
  • Appendix B: Activities I Did.
  • Appendix C: Books that were helpful to me.
  • Appendix D: Workbook. As a teacher, I saw this book as a tool of healing, so I offer questions and space to deal with the process of grief.

Appendix A from A Time to Grow:

It’s a God Thing!

I knew without a doubt that my God was beside me and in the midst of this whole ordeal of losing Mom. Because of this I believe that my life is a spiritual experience, and as a regular part of my day, I am on the watch for God actively participating in my life. Carefully I search for those telling moments when God quietly yet profoundly appears in an event or an experience and shouts to my soul, “I am here. I am in control. I love you!”

Here’s a list of the numerous God incidents that occurred during those three months from Mom getting sick and dying:

  • I was sober and present and able to be of service to my mom.
  • Bub, Lin, and I worked as a team to support Mom—long distance while Bub was still in California and then close-knit once he came to New Mexico.
  • Lin supported us in another way: he stepped back and let Bub and I do our work together and supported me in the background.
  • Karen White, my supervisor at Albuquerque Public schools, released me often to work at the hospital or at home during those three crazy months. She never questioned my work ethic and supported me completely. My colleagues did, too, and their support was invaluable.
  • I took a silver iced tea spoon of Lin’s to the hospital so Mom could scoop ice cream out of a glass. Ice cream was one item she could eat, and one of the nurses said it provided a lot of the nutrients she needed. Accidentally, the spoon went off to the gigantic cafeteria to be washed with all the other dishes. I talked to the nurse about its disappearance and wondered if we could get it back. She shook her head, doubting if we would ever see it again. It took several days, but we got it back! Not a surprise at all.
  • Bub and Cheryl, his youngest daughter, came the first part of March. It was Cheryl who picked up on Mom having trouble swallowing, which became a big issue later. Connie, Bub’s oldest daughter, was with us the day Mom passed away. Andy, Bub’s son, came immediately after Mom died. He was with us to help with funeral arrangements. He also went to Colorado Springs with me to meet with our estate lawyer. Bub was sick and couldn’t go. The timing for these three helping was perfect, but no one planned it.
  • When Mom was diagnosed with myelofibrosis, the hospital chaplain prayed with her, leading her through a visualization with Jesus. I watched her face as she processed the images. She so believed in the positive views of life, death, and Jesus the chaplain shared. Her spirit calmed down after that.
  • At the hospital where Mom received such wonderful care, Reese was the GM unit nurse who looked after Mom so carefully. She admired Bub’s and my dedication to Mom and how we worked together. She said so many elderly people come into the hospital with no family to assist them. She complimented us often.
  • A couple weeks before Mom passed, she was at a skilled nursing facility, but they couldn’t provide the care she needed. I felt that the hospice at one particular hospital would be the panacea for Mom because my good friend, Kathi Raver, had died there, but my God had a different plan. Mom went back to the hospital she had just been released from because she couldn’t eat and the hospice I wanted her to go into couldn’t deal with that problem. Mom received exceptional care at the hospital again and was transferred to their in-hospital hospice for three hours before she passed away, and the transition was smooth and easy.
  • Ten days before Mom died, she faced a scary ambulance ride from the skilled nursing facility back to the hospital. The two EMTs let me ride in the back with her to hold her hand and calm her down. It had been a grueling, long wait for the ambulance because the nausea had returned with a vengeance, and she was upset about having to go back to the hospital.
  • The last week of Mom’s life was hectic. I didn’t trust the hospital with what we hoped would be a (very expensive) miracle drug. I was told that I needed to meet with their pharmacist about the distribution of the expensive drug. It was late afternoon. I had sat down to catch my breath after a grueling day at the hospital. Someone slid into the seat beside me, and I didn’t look up. When I finally turned, I didn’t recognize her at first. She whispered, “You were my eighth grade English teacher in Raton.” It was Jenny Bacca Mills, the pharmacist I needed to talk to and an old student of mine. With everything going on that day, this felt ordained. I cried and cried. She hugged me as we talked, and I felt God had given her to me at this crucial time.
  • While Mom was in the hospital, Rhonda Sandoval, my teaching teammate and longtime friend, visited twice and brightened Mom up both times. One time she brought a colorful plant; another time she brought a delicious homemade pie. Her presence soothed my stress, and her thoughtful questions and considerations helped me process so much of the massive information I was juggling.
  • Dr. Wilson was Mom’s last rotation doctor at the hospital. The hospital rotated her doctor each week, and we were lucky to have Dr. Wilson at the end. She was so gentle and soft-spoken but strong. She was the best one to be assigned when Mom passed.
  • On the day Mom died, Dr. Wilson transferred Mom over to the in-hospital hospice instead of transferring her to another outside facility where she would have had to endure another ambulance ride. God is good!
  • The young, empathetic oncologist, who told me the truth about Jakafi, comforted us on Mom’s last day. She gave me great advice before I could even ask her for it: “If this was my Grandma, I would admit her to hospice and love her until she goes.”
  • Mom was surrounded all day by family who loved her on the day she died.
  • Mom died on a Saturday evening—ready to dance the evening away in heaven with Dad like so many other Saturdays in their life together.
  • Pam Bernal (Wendelin) and her husband, John, were the ambulance drivers who took Mom from Albuquerque, New Mexico to Trinidad, Colorado to the mortuary. Pam had been a dear friend of Mom’s for years, and I knew Mom was in good hands.
  • I asked Bub to join Lisa and me to pick out the outfit Mom would be buried in instead of assuming that because he’s a man he wouldn’t be interested. It was important that he was a part of that decision, and we had a memorable day.
  • Lisa’s humor and positive, loving spirit relieved an unbearable day as we picked out Mom’s burial outfit. She loved her “Auntie Elva” so much and that deep care permeated our time together.
  • Sitting at the round table in Branson with Bub and Andy, creating Mom’s memorial service, I remembered from out of the blue Mom saying my whole life, “I want ‘Stardust’ played at my funeral.”
  • Searching in her desk, paperwork, and Bible for some directions for her funeral, I found a sheet of paper that identified three favorite Bible verses she wanted read at her funeral: Psalms 150:4, II Timothy 3:16, and Ecclesiastes 3:1-8.
  • So many people came from far away for Mom’s service. Those who couldn’t come sent cards. What dear, supportive friends!
  • My great-nieces and -nephews hunted Easter eggs that Easter in Mom’s yard and I knew that Mom and Dad were enjoying the sight from heaven.
  • Not our first choice, Mom’s funeral was set for April 1st due to another service that same weekend for a dear friend of Mom’s, Alice. The decision to push the date out made it a longer wait, but our small, tight-knit ranching communities in southeastern Colorado are that important. Bub and I were then able to attend Alice’s funeral and support their family in their time of need, and one of Alice’s sons came to Mom’s and supported us.
  • Mom’s memorial service being on April Fools’ Day was almost fitting. She loved to pull practical jokes on any unsuspecting loved one. It also was Helen Waldroup’s birthday, her best friend.

Finally,

Whether you have lost your mom yet or not, A Time to Grow offers you an opportunity to deal with the grief associated with the loss of mom. But it also offers healing of the grief and the loss.

Have you bought your special mom her Mother’s Day gift yet? Don’t wait too long!

Larada Horner-Miller picture, gift
Mom always said, ” Grief in your own way!”

MOTHER’S DAY SPECIAL: The e-book of Time to Grow Up will be $.99 from May 5 – 12 on Amazon. Click on the title for this great offer!

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Loss and Death: National Poetry Month Topics?
Grief · My Thoughts · My Writing · poetry

Loss and Death: National Poetry Month Topics?

Larada Horner-MillerLeave a comment
National Poetry Month - Loss

For so many years, poetry about loss and death has comforted the grief-stricken. So, this week for National Poetry Month, I’d like to look at that poetic topic.

On Thursday, I attended a Celebration of Life of a dear friend and saw the juxtaposition of joy and sorrow in real time. Poets have done that for years.

So that led me on Friday to select the poem, “When Death Comes” by Mary Oliver as the inspirational reading for my meditation group as I led it that day. My emotions still ran strong with attending yet another service for a loved one. As we get older, that seems to be the norm. And when I need consolation in poetry for strong emotions, I turn to Mary Oliver’s sensitive and powerful poetry.

When Death Comes

When death comes 
like the hungry bear in autumn; 
when death comes and takes all the bright coins from his purse

to buy me, and snaps the purse shut; 
when death comes 
like the measles pox

when death comes 
like an iceberg between the shoulder blades,

I want to step through the door full of curiosity, 
wondering: 
what is it going to be like, that cottage of darkness?

And therefore I look upon everything 
as a brotherhood and a sisterhood, 
and I look upon time as no more than an idea, 
and I consider eternity as another possibility,

and I think of each life as a flower, as common 
as a field daisy, and as singular,

and each name a comfortable music in the mouth, 
tending, as all music does, toward silence,

and each body a lion of courage, and something 
precious to the earth.

When it's over, I want to say: all my life 
I was a bride married to amazement. 
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.

When it's over, I don't want to wonder 
if I have made of my life something particular, and real.
I don't want to find myself sighing and frightened, 
or full of argument.

I don't want to end up simply having visited this world.

—Mary Oliver

https://www.loc.gov/programs/poetry-and-literature/poet-laureate/poet-laureate-projects/poetry-180/all-poems/item/poetry-180-102/when-death-comes

My Response to “When Death Comes”

In response to this poem and our meditation time together, I wrote the following haikus. Remember that a haiku is a three-line poem with 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second and 5 in the third. Traditionally the third line should hold some spice, some punch. That’s why in my fourth haiku below, I provide three choices. Which one do you like the best?

When death comes, I want

To be astonished with it!

To run—shout for joy!

When death comes, I will

See Jesus and run to him.

He will hold me close.

Finally, I will be

Home at last—where my heart is!

Familiar faces!

No longer do I

Fear death. It’s the gateway there.

  1. I know many there.
  2. It’s dying I fear.
  3. My heart has been there.

Other Mary Oliver poetry about death and grief:

  • Love Sorrow from Red Bird
  • Ocean from Red Bird
  • No Voyage from New and Selected Poems
  • After Her Death from Thirst
  • A Pretty Song from Thirst

Yes, the topics of poetry span all of life and death. In my book, A Time to Grow Up: A Daughter’s Grief Memoir, I address the loss of my parents in poetry, especially my mom.

Here’s one of my poems dealing with her death:

I Want You Back! Or Do I?

January 27, 2014

I stand at that mysterious wall 
between life and eternity 
and scream,
"I want you back!" 

I pound my fists.
I scream! 
I cry,
but nothing changes. 

You slipped
through my fingertips. 

I grasped. 

You were here one second 
and 
gone the next! 

Nothing I could do 
would hold you. 

Where are you now?
Sitting next to Jesus and Dad—
smiling
youthful
relaxed
happy! 

I hope so! 

I am earth bound— 
held in place 
by time and
my human existence! 

I now know more, 
realize there's more. 
There has to be! 

A small peephole 
opened into eternity 
at your death bed. 

Surprisingly, a small kernel of hope was 
born that day for me. 

Life ended here for you 
so quickly! 

Your shell of a body
lay limp and lifeless
in that hospital bed.
I saw your last breath,
but I also saw something else 
slight 
faint 

Relief for you! 
A passing 
A knowing
that you are gone 
from here,
but will wait for me 
there. 

In my solemn, desolate space, 
I will still cry, 
"I want you back!" 

But today I know
that 
I don't want you back— 

I want to join you 
there!

Larada Horner-Miller, A Time to Grow Up: A Daughter’s Grief Memoir, (Horner Publishing Company, 2017), 193-195

Life, death and everything in-between—poetry addresses it all and comforts the soul. If any of you feel sorrow or grief today, I hope these verses touched your heart and gave you some solace and relief!

Finally,

do you have a favorite poem that addresses loss and death? Grief? Sorrow? Let me know so I can add it to my list!

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How Did You Spend Mother’s Day?
family · Grief · Memories · My Books · My Thoughts · poetry

How Did You Spend Mother’s Day?

Larada Horner-Miller2 Comments
Happy Mother's Day - Today

How did you spend Mother’s Day today? With your mom? Your grandma? With your children? With your grandchildren?  Alone, missing those gone on before you?

How did I spend Mother’s Day? I had a quiet day, starting with our Sunday tradition: blueberry pancakes and cribbage. Then I had a delightful re-connection with a square dance friend who I haven’t seen in years. After we connected, we called another mutual square dance friend who has had some heart issues and left her a “Happy Mother’s Day” greeting. Then, it was on to church and back home.

All day, my mom has hovered closely over me. Today, I miss her more than normal—maybe because I have been featuring the book I wrote about my loss of her, A Time to Grow Up: A Daughter’s Grief (and Growth) Memoir, by giving away e-book copies on Amazon for the last five days.

Also, on Friday, I read a couple of the poems from that book as leader of my meditation group. It just felt right to share them to honor her this Mother’s Day season.

So, to continue with that thought-process, here are the two poems I shared on Friday.

After Mom died on March 23, 2013, whenever, I went home to Branson, Colorado, I would travel to Trinidad, get lunch and go out the cemetery and have lunch with Dad and Mom. Mom taught me this idea after Dad died, and it helped so much. I shed lots of tears and talked and talked.

THE MOTHER-DAUGHTER CHAIN

Mother-Daughter Chain - Today

October 14, 2013

Lunch with Dad and Mom

I wanted you to stay 
with me! 
Part of you wanted to stay, too! 

My grandma, your mother, beckoned you 
to come! 
Part of you wanted to go! 

It was a sacred, otherworldly tug-of-war! 

I witnessed your battle
that Wednesday night at 
the skilled nursing facility 

I tried to sleep on the floor,
but your verbal turmoil kept me 
awake all night! 

Ten days before your death 
you wrestled with the
 dilemma: 

Go to your mom, my grandmother 
or 
stay with your daughter, me! 

Grandma won; 
I lost! 

But someday 
you will win. 
You will tug on 
my heart
pulling me home 
to be with you! 

I have no daughter
for you to battle with 
on that day. 

The Mother-Daughter connection runs 
deep 
timeless 
beyond reality. 

Daughter-Mother connection: 
as real as it gets.

Almost a year had passed from Mom’s death, and I relief by going to Branson and remembering Mom there in her house and celebrating our memories.

SNUGGLE INTO THE MEMORIES

Snuggle into the Memories - Today

March 20, 2014

I lost Mom,
almost one year ago! 

Today I sit in her house 
surrounded by her
and
snuggle into the memories! 

No longer fighting the loss, 
not running away
from the memories! 

Not cringing at
the empty space 
in my heart. 

But I snuggle into the memories, 
lay my head on her shoulder 
like so many times before, 
breathe in her body fragrance
like so many times before,
laugh with her—her blue eyes dancing 
like so many times before,
dance with her around the living room, 
trying to recapture Dad's special step 
like so many times before. 

Memories comfort me 
today! 
Hundreds of precious moments 
shared. 

I lean into them. 

They brush my cheek 
kiss my brow 
caress my shoulder 
live deep in my heart! 

I can't bring her back! 
I tried, 
and it doesn't work! 
I can't go with her, 
not yet! 

So today
I snuggle into the memories. 
I speak her name.
I speak her joy.
I speak her laughter.
I speak her fears.
I speak her faith. 

I speak Mom!

Finally,

how does reading these poems again help me today on Mother’s Day, 2024? Any time I share about Mom helps me. It’s been eleven years. I still miss her terribly, but my familiar words about her continue to soothe my wounded heart!

So enjoy!

I have the e-book available on a Mother’s Day special for FREE on Amazon. TODAY’S THE LAST DAY FOR A FREE DOWNLOAD!

If you would like an autographed paperback copy, it is on sale for 25% off at my two online stores for a limited time:

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