I woke this morning feeling an absence, a loss—Mother’s Day without Mom once again! She died in 2013, thirteen years ago. Shouldn’t I be over her death? I guess not! Even last night, I felt this sorrow oozing over me, but I didn’t understand why. Today, I do!
So I Tried, Without Mom!
I haven’t found a “home church” here yet. So, I had planned to go to the English mass at the Catholic church downtown Boquete at 9:00 AM. My alarm went off at 7:30 AM, startling me! I woke tired and feeling that loss.
Because I haven’t gone there yet and the parking is a problem, I succumbed to wimping out once again. Instead, Lin and I went to our favorite breakfast spot here, Olga’s, for a delicious meal. Olga greeted me in her usual manner with a hug and a kiss, but made a big deal about my new outlandish hair color—brilliant mauvey red! Oh, she hugged me like Mom used to and rave about my hair like my mom would have. I needed that so!
This Afternoon, Without Mom!
When we returned home after a quick stop at the grocery store, I went to church online to my home church, Hope in the Desert Episcopal Church in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Fr. Steve mentioned Happy Mother’s Day to all the mothers, grandmothers and anyone who nurtured children. Oh, what a balm to my heart!
Then we watched an episode of our new favorite series, “Ghost Whisperer” with Jennifer Love Hewitt and David Conrad. I relate to this show so much because I do believe there are ghosts out there—and I would love to talk to my mom once more.
Life, Without Mom!
Last Sunday we lost a member of our Hot August Nights committee. Lin and I called his wife to see how he was doing and found out he had died a couple hours before we called. Loss once again and tears.
I also watched the video of my dear friend, Rose Ward’s funeral service, last Sunday, crying and missing her so. I swore I saw Mom in the crowd at Rose’s service. I even showed Lin, but then I realized it wasn’t her. I’m sure she was there in spirit though.
That’s life without Mom—so much loss and it all circles back to her and my loss.
My Book About Losing Mom!
So, this month I’m featuring, A Time to Grow Up: A Daughter’s Grief Memoir. You might wonder why I would do that because of the sadness and heartbreak in this book during the month to celebrate Mother’s Day. Yes, there is sadness and heartbreak, but I value the process I went through to grow through the loss to the healing. Yes, I still miss Mom, but this book healed me in a different way. It allowed me to look deeply at the individual moments we had in those last three months.
I hope the same for you.
A Poem or Two from A Time to Grow Up: A Daughter’s Grief Memoir
No Words Now
May 11, 2013
Mom died March 23, 2013
No words
No poems
until May 2.
Lost in the pain
drowning
suffocating
Words frozen
gone
void
All I had was pain!
Loud
screeching
screaming pain.
Normally, poetry is my respite
My sanctuary
I visit to
understand this world
Nothing there!
Only the deep, dark hole
The consuming loss
The utter defeat
Missing Mom
and
trying to live!
Have you lost your mom? Did you ever feel like this—the feelings, not necessarily the loss of words but the loss of someone special in your life? At this point, the words had just come and were overflowing with all my pent-up feelings.
Time to Cry Each Day
August 25, 2016
Is there an appropriate time to cry?
An appropriate way to mourn?
I didn't know how.
At first, the tears would come unannounced
in a flurry,
and I was gone.
Sobs!
I never knew when or where.
They consumed my day,
flooding me with emotion.
I dreaded the next outburst.
I couldn't control the tears.
A grief counselor's suggestion:
"Appoint a time every morning
to cry,"
so I did.
I did my morning writing and reading
with my cat, Jesse.
Then I cried
and cried
and cried.
Does that sound fake?
manufactured?
manipulated?
I don't know,
but it worked for me!
At first the tears came whenever,
a trigger
a memory,
and I cried.
After a while,
knowing I had that special time
alone with Jesse
every morning
relieved me the rest of the day.
I might get choked up,
but I would say to myself,
"Save it for the morning."
I did,
And it worked!
Grief? Yes, I had grieved my dad’s death, but I had turned my attention to Mom. Now she was gone, so what was I supposed to do now? The suggestion from the therapist helped me—maybe it will help you!
Live One World at a Time
August 25, 2016
In recovery,
we say, "One Day at a Time."
In my life after Mom's death,
I say, "One World at a Time."
My feet walk this earth,
planted firmly on sandstone and among chollas
in the scenic Southwest.
My heart yearns for another world,
that heavenly place
that houses so many dear ones.
I am here;
they are there.
Sometimes I feel their pull
to that other place,
a spiritual calling
attached to my heart.
I resist.
I focus on today
this world.
My full, rich life here,
and the resistance quiets.
My job today
and as long as I am here,
is one world at a time!
So healing happened for me. Mom died and I moved on, carrying her with me. On the bright side, her death gave me a deep awareness of my being “here” and the pull of “there.” Before her, I never felt that.
Finally,
Have you lost your mom? Your dad? A loved one? Do you have a pull to another world? Let me know and let’s talk about it!
LIMITED TIME, SPECIAL PRICE: My E-book of Time to Grow Up: A Daughter’s Grief Memoir at Amazon for $.99. Sale ends Wednesday, May 13.
