In my past I have wrestled with God over many things. I wanted a baby. After divorcing the first time, I wanted a husband who didn’t drink. During the coronavirus pandemic, I wrestled with God about the whole horrible thing.
Here’s Chapter Eight from my book, Coronavirus Reflections: Bitter or Better?, that featured a poem and then prose about this very subject—how I wrestled with God.
CHAPTER 8
I WRESTLED WITH GOD, FAITH, AND THE CORONAVIRUS
The door of the human heart, can only be opened from the inside…
William Holman Hunt
May 17, 2020
As March 2020 ended, I pondered God and faith issues in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic and sheltering in place. Even though we had only been dealing with this for a month, I continued to worry about Lin and my safety in the midst of this craziness. After each day’s case tally, I felt more inclined to hibernate. I seldom ventured out—only for groceries and prescriptions, but I ventured inward.
As I see the coronavirus cases increase, I wonder, “Where is God? Who will protect me from this insidious enemy? My husband tries his best, but what if?” So many people have died. Screams of despair reverberate across the world, all the way to my home in New Mexico. So many mourn the loss of a son, a daughter, a mother, a father, or a grandparent. And not just mourn the loss, but that he or she died alone with no one familiar to hold a hand, wipe a tear, and whisper, “I love you.”
Dear God, in your infinite mercy, where are you?
As I reflected on my bewilderment over my God and the coronavirus, a favorite quote of Mother Teresa’s came to me again, feeling like a balm, “Each one of them is Jesus in disguise.” I choose to see that disguise in an overworked doctor, a nurse, an LPN, a caring neighbor, a stranger’s smiling eyes in the grocery store, or a phone call or text message to check-in with loved ones.
Even as I question what’s happening, I believe God is in the midst of this. I feel as though His heart breaks as He watches the loss and the horror. But it’s Mother Teresa’s words that fully bring me understanding, that help re-cement my faith in Him and his servants.
As this pandemic has struck, many people seeking a spiritual answer wonder about their personal faith as I did. Often, I hear people say either faith or fear, but I came up with a different answer.
Faith and Fear, Not Faith or Fear
March 31, 2020
It’s not either or.
I’m human—
Fear lurks
Faith falters.
But
I can open my hands,
Have faith in one
And fear in the other.
I can raise them up
To my God,
Overflowing with both!
Then I can release
Both
To do what needs done.
Fear reminds me
I’m vulnerable.
Faith reminds me
God is in control.
I need both.
Fear chokes my throat,
Strangling the life out of me.
Faith hugs me close,
Saturating my heart with love.
I need both.
In the midst of this spiritual battle,
God extends his hand
Offering solace
For my questions,
My concerns,
This dilemma.
Fear drives me to despair
Faith draws me to the Comforter.
Yes, I need both
In balance.
Too much fear
Paralyzes me.
Too much fear
Focuses me
On the problem.
Then my faith comes
And refocuses me
On the solution.
I want more faith
Less fear
But I need both!
A balance
To stabilize me
To force me
To look outside
Myself to Him
Who waits for me!
Faith is power,
So is fear.
I yearn to be faith-powered!
Not fear driven!
Do you question God and his presence in this world? I do because we talk regularly, and we have that kind of relationship. I don’t need to blame God about the pandemic because my God is good, but I challenged Him—where are you? What about faith and fear? Can I have both at the same time?
I labored over God’s apparent absence in my worldly concerns, the possibility still of Lin or me getting the coronavirus. I battled with the need to go out into the world for necessities and the fear that overcame me. The uncertainty of what we faced now and ahead loomed over me like a shroud. Would it get worse? Then add to those concerns my spiritual battle with faith and fear. As always, poetry helped me wrestle with deep emotions about this controversial time and face some spiritual reservations.
After much introspection through said poetry, I do believe God is in control of this mess, my mess, any mess that comes along. I put my trust in God and know He’s in every person fighting this battle we’re in and every gorgeous flower blooming in Lin’s garden. I wind my way through the caverns of questioning always to arrive back at that same place—my faith restored and strengthened in my quest.
After this wrestling match, I saw my God’s hand in places I hadn’t noticed before: the healing hands of the ER doctor and nurses, Lin’s preparatory endeavors in his garden, and the early signs of spring. Yes, God is in control.
YOUR REFLECTIONS
What issues have you wrestled with during this crisis?
Larada Horner-Miller, Coronavirus Reflections: Bitter or Better?, (Horner Publishing Company, 2021), 61-67
Finally,
I have ended you with my busy schedule right now. Started packing today because we leave Tuesday, August 11 for the states for several weeks, then we fly on to Germany for two weeks and back to Panama. Also, my new book, Eyewitness to Healing, has taken over my time. I’m currently revising Chapter 13. There are eighteen chapters in the book, and my deadline to my editor looms over me.
So, yes, I have wrestled with God. Always I have come out on the other side a wiser person with a deeper faith. How about you? Do you wrestle with God_ What have you wrestled with God about in the past? Recently?
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