How I view myself has always been shaky. Our society deems a beautiful woman to be slender. I really mean skinny! And I have never been skinny. In fact, as a middle school student, one friend called me “Fat Girl” as a nickname! So, you can imagine I was a little chunky then.
Another factor that has affected my view of myself my whole life—all the woman on my mom’s side of the family had weight issues. And as a young woman, I vowed I would never look that way.
Sadly, during one part of my life, I experience anorexic—I had to cut up food into bite-size pieces to get them into my mouth. What a horrible reaction to what had happened in my life! I’m glad to say that ended with professional help.
So, in July 2011, Lin and I spent a month with another couple in Pagosa Springs, Colorado, a beautiful resort town with hot springs. Taking a chance, I bought a two-piece bathing suit for the first time in years. At the same time, I read the book, Women, Food and God, by Geneen Roth.
So, this poem was the result. Enjoy!
Love My Belly—Are You Crazy?
The book titled, Women, Food, and God, told me
“Love your belly!”
So, I did!
I thought!
Off-and-on for a few months
randomly,
But what does that really mean?
I pondered that thought often
In passing a mirror,
it still bothered me!
I’m 58. I’m short! I’m 5′ 3″.
When I gain 2 pounds,
it shows up first on my belly!
All of my life,
I struggle; I diet.
I lose; I gain.
And the solution is
to love my belly?
Walking through Walmart
before the 4th of July,
I saw a two-piece bathing suit.
Red, white and blue
stripes and stars!
Outlandish for a 58-year-old!
I remembered
a cute young gal,
slim and trim
at Cuchara, Colorado
last 4th of July
donned in cut-offs and that bathing suit top!
Could I do it?
Could I wear it?
Dare I at 58?
I looked back in time
trying to remember —
squeezing the facts out of the past.
When was my last, I wore a
Two-piece suit?
Ten years ago, and
husband #2?
Twenty years ago, and
husband #1?
Guatemala with Lynn,
my long-time traveling buddy?
Probably twenty years ago!
So,
I bought it!
It sat in the Walmart bag
for a couple of weeks.
No time to wear it!
cautious, timid, but willing!
Then, on another Walmart excursion, I found
matching red, white and blue trunks for Lin.
I bought them and
knew
my Independence Day was coming!
I gave him his gift
on my arrival
to Pagosa Springs, Colorado.
IMMEDIATELY,
before I unpacked,
before I chickened out.
I showed him mine —
a matching set
outlandish!
His response was positive!
but I still wasn’t sure!
In a couple of days,
we were off to the spa.
He put his on
which surprised me.
I couldn’t back out now!
I put mine on —
Astonished!
I looked fine!
I looked OK!
I felt great!
That two-piece suit
somehow encouraged me
to do
what I had struggled for months
to do.
We’re on vacation;
I’ve gained a few pounds
I know that—
I will lose them when I get home!
That’s what makes this
Two-piece bathing suit experience
that much sweeter!
I’m not at my ideal weight.
I love my belly
exactly as it is today!
Looking at myself naked,
in the mirror in the spa dressing room,
I thought,
“I’m not skinny!
I’m not fat!
I love my belly!”
Here I am at 58.
I have realized a deep core lie!
I have uncovered a massive
self-delusion!
All these twenty years,
I have looked in the mirror
and
saw
too fat, too big,
too old!
And I believed it!
I believed the lie
I had told myself!
That makes me wonder —
what other lies
limitations
have I told myself and believed?
I’m not sure,
but I’m going hunting
to the depth of my soul,
to the mesa rim
of my heart,
to the mountain top
of my spirit.
Remembering my red, white and blue two-piece bathing suit,
I will unearth the truth
about me!
It truly is Independence Day!
I love my belly!
Finally,
Maybe age helped in how I viewed myself! I had realized no one watched me like I thought in my younger days. How I view myself had changed. I no longer worried about what you thought of me. I enjoyed my truly unique personality! What a celebration this day was! Yes, I loved my belly!
Have you had self-image issues—how you view yourself? If so, how did you handle them? If not, do you know someone who does?
Visit my website to find out about my new book, Coronavirus Reflections: Bitter or Better? and my other five books and three cookbooks: https://laradasbooks.com